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05/07/02

current bgm: Johnny Have you Seen Her? -The Rembrandts

Yesterday, for some stupid reason, I got another lecture from my mother. Ironicly enough, I told one of my recruiters a bit about her and he thought she's pretty laid back. So why does it seem she's always yelling or lecturing me about something she's yelled or lectured about dozens of times over?

This last one was about, surprise surprise, how I treat others- especially my friends -and the way I act. So I don't call people up on the phone, big deal. I hate talking on the phone and I find it difficult to carry on a conversation if I have nothing in particular to talk about. And so I don't like people touching me. Really, especially when someone hugs me or puts their hands on my head, back or neck, I get uncomfortable, but I allow them to do it because they want to. And /that/ makes /me/ selfish and cold?

And, of course, then came the usual 'You're so cold', talk. She even admitted that there were times when I seemed so cold /she/ didn't even want to talk to me. My own mother. Were I in any other mood, I might have been insulted. But having my time wasted by things that I already heard and really is unimportant annoys me. Which /makes/ me all the colder. I get a closed off look and a really intense gaze that basically says 'leave me alone', but she keeps talking. And then I get even more annoyed and it's brutally obvious and she keeps asking /why/ I'm like it.

You know, the reason why I don't give excuses or reasons for anything is because 1) I know they're not listening or don't care, or 2) I know that they wouldn't understand. Both of which apply to my mother an awful lot, especially the second one. Especially if she keeps saying that I'm a sweet girl just because her costumers and friends say that I am. I'm not, really, but everyone thinks so. Why? Because I know how to be polite, I have manners and I know how to use them properly, unlike a good precentage of my generation. Really, I'm 'nice' to people because I have no reason not to be. I guess I'm more indifferent than anything else. But if you actually got to know me, you'd know that I'm really rather mean. Not like, bitch mean, but humorously mean. I love making wicked jokes and the like, but I always make sure that the people I'm making jokes about (mainly my friends) know that I don't mean anything by them. Unless I wanted to be cutting, but then I wouldn't be joking then, would I?

I'm sorry for just pouring all this crap out on people. I don't really like the idea of everyone knowing what I think. So I like being 'mysterious'. Well, not really, but I just don't really like talking about myself or how I feel. Mainly, I'm not really even much for talking. I suppose I really am pushing people away, but I've been raised more or less on my own. I'm used to being by myself and I'm most comfortable alone where I can think and imagine and create without being bothered. /That/, really, was the worst part about boot camp. Always being around dozens of other people every single hour of the day. I so wanted to beat everyone to a pulp at the end.

Anyway, enough of all that crap. Here's a quick little sketch I did in boot camp. My favorite, magic and sword weilding, knightly duo, Grenseal and Alen from the game Suikoden I. Except, instead of their knightly garb, they're wearing cammies (i know it sucks, work with me here) and instead of having swords, are carrying M16s. Or at least wondering just what it is.

Grenseal and Alen

Give me a break. This was during Rifle Week and I hadn't drawn them in almost half a flippin' year!

On a totally unrelated tangent: I hate finals week. My brother is constantly having to be on-line to do reports so I can't do jack squat...

Anime/Manga of the moment: Yu Yu Hakusho
Game of the moment: Final Fantasy IV/Rock Man
Character of the moment: Kain and Edge [Final Fantasy IV]
Couple of the moment: Pharaoh and Magnet [Rock Man]
BGM of the moment:One Horse Town -The Rembrandts